• Trump Rapes Kids@lemmy.world
    34·
    4 天前

    When your diet consist of around 50% things that cause constipation and 50% things that cause diarrhea, you may need to perform The Ritual.

    Those nights where any time you lay down to try to sleep the small excess heat from your abdomen pressed against the bed causes magma-poo to expand and press against the solid shitcrete barrier blocking everything in, sending stabbing pains throughout your gut.

    You go from the toilet to the bed time and time again. Nothing happens on the toilet and the pain recedes, but as soon as you try to lay down again it comes roaring back. You can’t sleep, but you can’t poo.

    At last you accept that you will not be getting to sleep until you defeat this demon. You go to the bathroom and strip off everything before sitting on the toilet. You must bare yourself and hold nothing back in this fight.

    Sometimes you notice how your cast off clothing is laying on the floor and you remember that at times like this in the past it covered certain tiles or lines on the floor but that it isn’t quite in that position right now. You adjust your clothing to into the ‘correct’ position. It has become part of The Ritual, and The Ritual must be observed.

    You cross your arms and press them against your stomach trying to squeeze the poo out from the top. If you have enough of a gut you place your arms under the bulge, with the vast weight of your shameful love of pizza and Ben & Jerry’s lifted up and out for the shower head to stare pointedly at with silent yet clear judgement.

    You ask your God or the universe itself what you’ve done to deserve this and beg for mercy. You promise to eat better. You never want this to happen again. Ages pass. Finally a stream breaks free. The first layer of magma-poo has worked it’s way through the barrier to become a weak stream of lavashit. You push and grunt and press your arms tight into your lower abdomen, the gelatinous bulk of your gut quivering in shame as the mocking shower head stares down.

    The flow of lavashit helps to erode the shitcrete blockage, and eventually the dam bursts into chunks that rip your body open as they’re forced out. The young and naive may celebrate here and try to return to bed, but the demon has a second phase so they will soon be back on the throne. The older and more knowing don’t even consider getting up. They know the night is not yet won.

    Time passes before anything else seems to happen. The next layer is more shitcrete. Fortunately, this time it’s rigid inflexible nature makes it weak. Those first two layers spewing forth from the sphincter created a gap of space in the colon, and now the remaining magmapoo layers pushing against the shitcrete barriers are pressing towards that newly opened space instead of the exterior wall. Slowly, the shitcrete is defeated by it’s own rigid nature. It bulges in the center until a break forms, allowing more lavashit to erode it and assist in it’s agonizing passage. You know once more how it feels to give birth, but to a dark abomination of which you cannot speak to others. You may need stitches.

    Eventually, it is done. The demon has been cast out. All shits have been shat. You uncross your arms and remove them from under your tubby bulk. You look to the shower head and meet it’s scornful gaze with the self-assuredness of the victor. It nods slightly to accede, but reminds you that you need to keep those promises you made to all of the Gods and change your diet. It warns that if you fail again, you will be back again.

    The Ritual concluded, you wipe up and put your bed clothes back on.

    It’s the middle of the night now. You will get some sleep, but not near enough. Tomorrow will be a long day. At some point before the end of that day you will decide you don’t feel like cooking. After all, you are exhausted.

    You decide to order a pizza. Maybe a taco pizza? Stuffed crust. Extra cheese. Taco Bell lettuce. That sounds delicious.

  • Jyek@sh.itjust.works
    7·
    3 天前

    I just generally prefer to poop naked. It just feels more relaxing. Also why I prefer to poop at home.

  • dingus@lemmy.worldEnglish
    61·
    5 天前

    Pro tip…always keep a solid (not mesh) trash can in your bathroom. Hopefully you’ll never need to…but if you ever need to puke and shit simultaneously, you’ll be thankful.

    • ouRKaoS@lemmy.today
      15·
      4 天前

      On the same note: Hardware store 5 gallon buckets are one of the most useful things you can own. Gives you a spot to puke if you’re on the toilet, or a spot to sit if you only have to puke.

      • Godnroc@lemmy.worldEnglish
        3·
        4 天前

        First, my local store has 2 gallon buckets that were 1/5 the price of their fancy designer trash cans, fit a standard shopping bag nicely, and also would be perfect for the emergency puke pail.

        Second, I’ve always kneeled down with arms on the rim to prevent anything coming out my nose. Is that an issue with the bucket seat raising your body higher?

        • ouRKaoS@lemmy.today
          1·
          4 天前

          The 5 gal gives you the height to lean over and rest your arms on the back of the tank, allowing you to relax as much as possibly in the situation.

          …I may have woken up in this position more than once.

    • BlueFootedPetey@sh.itjust.works
      11·
      4 天前

      My current bathroom is pretty small, i can lean over the tub if need to vom while shitting. Thankfully that hasnt happened since some awful virus i had in the early 2000s. But ill never forget.

    • smeg@feddit.ukEnglish
      71·
      4 天前

      This is why I always shit in the bath, makes the cleanup easier too

    • Ananääs@sopuli.xyz
      49·
      5 天前

      I once had to lay down on the bathroom floor in a fetal position between rounds. Sweat was literally dripping. What a way to feel alive whilst expecting death!

      • ArchAengelus@lemmy.dbzer0.com
        13·
        5 天前

        Not an MD, but that sounds like a problem you might want a doctor to look at. My partner of many years had terrible gallstones that were fairly debilitating. When it got to its worst and she started turning yellow, a few days before she had an episode like you described.

        Talk to your doctor about weird painful shits.

        • jj4211@lemmy.world
          1·
          3 天前

          I’ve had what was described above, like once every 3 to 5 years. Terrible pain lying on the floor in the middle of the night hoping for relief with each attempt. Then a generally miserable day and then all good for the next few years.

          By the time I’m at the doctor, nothing is wrong, so they just kind of shrug. Best they can do is guess that either it’s some random bad luck with some food or some stress reaction (half the time it’s at a place like a hotel, and I almost never go to hotels).

        • Ananääs@sopuli.xyz
          92·
          4 天前

          Nah, it’s called “the Revenge from Beyond”, you get it from eating Beyond burgers (or similar)

          • tamal3@lemmy.world
            6·
            4 天前

            Uh I eat those all the time. I have never toilet-disrobed post-burger, but maybe post-long-run pre-burger? I think that has happened.

      • smh@slrpnk.net
        3·
        4 天前

        Maybe a vasovagal reaction? Drink water and cross your legs while on the toilet, try not to push too hard.

        I’ve definitely had it bad enough that I had to lay in a cool bath between rounds. It sucks.

    • Whostosay@sh.itjust.works
      11·
      4 天前

      Bare minimum 33 other people have taken what I dub the “5 demon reamin’” shit

      Also no one tells you to take the shirt off. And you don’t do it half way or towards the end… It’s a knowing. You just know. You plop that bad boy off and you literally wade through poo poo hell.

      We are all called forth sooner or later.

  • Gloomy@mander.xyz
    113·
    3 天前

    Not in 40 years so far. I can’t relate to a single post in this thread.

    My personal hypothesis is that american food is so full of essentially toxic stuff, that having shits like described in this thread happen has become normalised and a shared cultural experience.

    But since that is only anecdotal, i might be very wrong about that.

    • Dejected Warp Core@lemmy.world
      4·
      3 天前

      As far as I can tell, this may be accurate. I’ve observed that we (USA) have a taboo around discussing what happens in the bathroom. I’ve pushed back on this and, anecdotally, have uncovered that this is all too common an experience. I wound up testing myself for food allergies and sensitivities and learned that there’s a whole range of foods that my body can’t handle. As I share my situation, I find more and more people that are waking up to a similar situation.

      • raze2012@lemmy.world
        2·
        3 天前

        I’ve observed that we (USA) have a taboo around discussing what happens in the bathroom.

        Is that not normal? I don’t think most people are interested in how massive a shit I had last night unless it’s my doctor. We also have a term of “toilet humor” to suggest that jokes around it are some of the crudest, lowest brow humor possible.

        re: the post: It’s rare but it’s happened a few times for some particularly bad bouts. I don’t think it was anything serious, probably just some slightly spoiled food or maybe slightly undercooked chicken.

    • mechoman444@lemmy.world
      2·
      3 天前

      Dawg. There is no way in 40 years of life have you never taken a naked dook. No way.

      I’m sure as a child it must have happened.

      And before a shower, or in the middle of the night.

      I’m calling bs.

    • LifeInMultipleChoice@lemmy.world
      2·
      3 天前

      Meh I think there is just a lot of strange jokes and strange people. Unless I’m in a rush, I always remove my shirt and hang it on the shower curtain rod. I do the same when I shave/trim, or cut my hair. When I shower… I guess I just feel more comfortable in the bathroom free of such tethers.

    • MrVilliam@sh.itjust.works
      8·
      4 天前

      Buy lactaid tablets. They’re pretty cheap, and they work surprisingly well. In my opinion, life without cheese is not a life worth living, so in that regard, lactaid saved my life.

      • grrgyle@slrpnk.net
        51·
        4 天前

        I used to think that, but then I went a month and I think I just killed off that part of my gut biome, because the intense cravings just… stopped

      • boonhet@sopuli.xyz
        3·
        4 天前

        Isn’t most cheese of any real age essentially lactose free anyway though? I know lactose intolerant people who can eat cheese, but not other dairy products

        • MrVilliam@sh.itjust.works
          3·
          3 天前

          Soft cheeses like mozzarella and cream cheese have enough lactose to give me a bad time without lactaid. Milk and sour cream too. I love pizza and Alfredo sauce, so lactase lets me still have those whenever I want. A lot of cheeses are considered low lactose, but dose matters. Sharing a charcuterie is not something I’m brave enough to try without popping a lactase lol.

      • ScriptSage@lemmy.zip
        1·
        3 天前

        I’ve used them and they help sometimes but I also just forget to take them all the time lol usually if I’m chugging a large milkshake I’m having a bad enough day that I’m not thinking a few hours ahead.

        Also anyone reading this: the chewable lactaid tablets will make you want to die. They are one of the most unpleasant things I’ve had in my mouth

        • MrVilliam@sh.itjust.works
          1·
          3 天前

          usually if I’m chugging a large milkshake I’m having a bad enough day that I’m not thinking a few hours ahead.

          …But you just pop one or two with your first bite. Are you taking some other thing? And my box doesn’t say anything about chewing it.

          • ScriptSage@lemmy.zip
            1·
            3 天前

            There are regular tablets you swallow and there are chewable versions. I’m just letting people know not to get the chewables.

            Usually it just doesn’t occur to me until I’m halfway or completely done and it’s too late.

  • cRazi_man@europe.pub
    5·
    3 天前

    Not completely naked, but taking one leg out of the trousers to get a good spread and feet firmly on the floor is a luxury experience.