Okay…this post is gonna look insane, but bear with me…this is NOT just a meaningless set of nudes, I swear 😭
So…basically, this Sunday, I’m planning to meet up with @ChaoticNeutralCzech@feddit.org this Sunday and attend a Linux “conference” together. Should be fun, I like Linux a lot! But anyway…
This will be our first time meeting in person. And I just have a bad feeling…he has some version of me in his head right now, from my various posts and pics and…cough other content cough. Aand basically…that version is great! Perfect smile, feminine energy (I guess?), optimistic, kinda pretty and kind…
Well, it feels like like I’m lying to him. Not as much about the personality stuff (except for the “feminine energy”, which I have exactly None of), but really the appearance side of things. Every single picture he (and everyone on Lemmy, really) has seen of me so far, it’s been made deliberately. It doesn’t represent my day-to-day appearance. It’s not how I look in real life. Not edited, but deliberately created with poses, multiple takes and cherry-picking the best ones.
I just feel…really bad. He’s expecting (I think) someone that’s small-ish, cute-ish, feminine, just…average level of attractiveness (I guess) and I just fit none of those…I feel like a fraud. An impostor. I feel like a catfish. I feel fucking terrible, because I know for a fact he’s gonna be disappointed as soon as he sees me.
I’m really ashamed of myself. So much so, that I’ve considered bailing…
But I won’t bail. At least, not yet…what I can do is prepare him a bit. Show him more realistic pics, to get him to taper his expectations a lot. Because truth be told…I’ll probably be the ugliest person he’s ever seen. Not even remotely joking, I’m serious. I can see the happiness fading from his eyes as soon as he sets them upon me, in my mind. It’s just…scary. Knowing I’m so unattractive, ugly and masculine, yet I have enough “skill” to take alright pics and post those on Lemmy. It feels…terrible.
So, that’s why I’m making this. I want to show him (and all the other people) that there is nothing to envy about me. Not a single thing about my body is enviable or desirable. Please don’t…everyone here is so freaking pretty and I just ruin the vibe with my ugly…everything. I’m sorry…
Shoulders
I’d like to start with my shoulders. They’re insanely broad and you know that. My body shape is the inverted triangle, the “male beauty ideal” (eww, fuck that).
This is a picture of me, standing up, from behind:
As you can see, my shoulders are waaaay broader than my pelvis ever could be. It’s insane how massive they are. That’s probably the first thing that catches people’s attention when they’re interacting with me. It’s absurd…
My hair makes the somewhat less obvious, tops work too, but…it’s futile. There’s nothing I can do to hide them completely. HRT won’t help, surgery is risky and expensive, I’m just plain screwed…
Now, there are pictures where I seem like I don’t have as massive shoulders, even standing up. And that’s because it’s an illusion. You see, when I stand up, push my shoulders back and down and arch my back really hard, it makes them seem smaller and my hips wider, due to the angle. Like so:
Seems different, right? A bit better, even. My shoulders don’t seem as massive. That’s the illusion. That’s why the pics look even remotely…well, not feminine but not as masculine…it’s all a lie.
This is the same, but without the underwear:
Nude
Hips and butt
Okay, this is probably the more interesting part…
I’ve made a couple of photos where it looks like I have really wide hips. I don’t. The reason it looks that way is because I’m usually sitting down. The hard surface pushes the fat up and makes everything shapelier and “more feminine”.
In the previous pictures, you could see that my entire lower body was angular and male-looking and that’s because I was standing. But here, I’m sitting and you can really see the difference:
You can see that there’s quite a difference. And that’s just sitting on the edge of something, when I actually sit on my feet, for example, the effect gets even stronger:
And here you can, once again, see the inverted triangle that is my body:
You see how masculine my body is? Everything that appears feminine on me is a trick of either posing, hiding parts of myself or angling the camera properly.
Speaking of angling, there are also pics where my hips look wide where I’m not sitting. In that case, it’s caused by the fact that my butt is closer to the camera than my shoulders, making it look bigger and my shoulders smaller. It makes a big difference. Here’s one example:
You see how my ass is closer to the camera? That’s all it is. Otherwise, it’s just a normal, masculine ass, unfortunately. And I can do the same with my hips.
Changing my own angle to the camera slightly, arching (of course) and moving a bit closer, I can make it seem like I have really wide hips. Like so:
Do you see how much of a difference that makes? Well, it’s all a lie. And I felt like not disclosing that is lying on my part.
Basically…I’m a liar. Every “desirable” photo I ever posted was a lie. Just an illusion. And now that I’m actually meeting up with someone irl, I feel really guilty about all of this. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for lying…
Please don’t envy me. Please don’t. There really is nothing to envy and it makes me feel bad: it makes me feel like I’m flexing something I don’t have and making people jealous with a lie…sorry.
This post must honestly look pretty psychotic to the outside. And maybe it kinda is. But…I hope this helps ChaoticNeutralCzech taper his expectations of me. He’s still gonna be disappointed af, but I just hope…maybe *not as much…*maybe.
Sorry for the essay. If this doesn’t belong here, please delete it. I’m just really fucking anxious about the upcoming meetup…sorry everyone.
I have such a horribly ugly and masculine body. I hate it so much. I hate myself for letting this happen to me so much…I don’t deserve anyone’s praise or even being called girl or anything like that. I’m really sorry…I’m gonna go cry now
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deliberately created with poses, multiple takes and cherry-picking the best ones.
That is a thing that literally everyone does when taking pictures. No one posts selfies with the goal of an unbiased depiction. Bad shots get discarded. Its not lies, its not deception. Its photography.
Yes the poses and angles do make a difference, but a minor one at best. Your shape is very feminine even in the “bad” pictures.
Your shape is not inverted V, it’s hourglass. Your shoulders and hips are about the same width, but your waist is much narrower. That is a very feminine shape, and it reads clearly even in your unposed examples.
Your body is not ugly or masculine. It is beautiful and feminine. It is a shame you are not yet able to see it.
Do you have your unix socks ready? Does your laptop has all the cute stickers? Is “Linux conference” a code word for an orgy, where your intestins become decompiled?
You’re a beautiful girl. The only advice I can actually give is: see yourself the way the persons closest to you are seeing you. Because they See the beautiful smile and soul you carry.
waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait
i have a few questions here … so i assumed that chaoticneutralczech is from … well, czechia. now i know that you’re probably from eastern europe? and i’m in vienna. so, where is this linux conference? how much does entry cost and where is the exact time / location? also do you have a link to the event?
eastern europe
Even tho you’re technically correct…still kinda hurts 😭
The conference is in Prague, Dejvice. It’s at the ČVUT technical faculty, I think? It starts at 10AM and ends at 4PM on Sunday. Entry is free, but you should register on their website.
Here’s a link:
https://www.linuxdays.cz/2026/We’ll be happy to meet you there, if you can make it ♥️
Also…I literally have a CZ flag on my profile, lol 😂
girl i just checked and ticket from vienna to prague would be 21€ and i’d have to get up at 5am … and even worse in the evening ticket back would be 70€ … i mean i could take the flixbus back which would only cost 30€ … but still, it’s effort and i doubt that i’ll reliably get up at 5am tomorrow and not be tired like a sack of potatoes the whole day … so i doubt that i’ll make it.
Most attendees and folks at stalls do speak decent English (with some fun caveats like misprononouncing Lineage OS as “Line Age OS”) but as you may have noticed with the monolingual website (ironically sponsored by Weblate), there are no organizational provisions for people who can’t speak Czech. I also miss C3-style hackspaces and the Engelsystem: instead, corporate sponsors and a fixed set of volunteers keep the conference going.
So I don’t think the conference will be all that interesting for you: it is very nice of you to consider Miisha but with all the hassle and that you won’t understand lectures or read any text yourself, don’t think you missed anything major. You may be able to arrange a meeting with Miisha in a safe space midway between where you two live, which is, wherever she does, closer to Vienna than Prague is.
yeah i figured from the website that it’s all in czechian language … anyways, i hope you had a fun day :)
She’s asleep on the train back so IDK how much she’d like to divulge. I’ll send you my perspective in a DM… in englishian language of course
Yeah, that sucks…sorry to hear that. It’s a shame :/
Maybe next time, miss Gandalf the 12th 💜
I’m having a hard time telling which pics are supposed to be the unflattering ones as they all look cute. Enjoy the conference!
You havent been lying Miisha. Your body (yes even the one with your shoulders) looks beautiful.
But in any case, Im certain they’ll be fine. Like I dont know them but literally they’ll just be excited to meet their online friend.
A linux conference sounds awesome! Hope you both have fun
Also your a girl ❤️
Obligatory *you’re
Yes, I’m so excited I can hardly sleep. It’s a bit of a problem :)
The conference takes place at a university in Prague, a place where Miisha can be sure she can be herself, safer from weird looks than in her home town. I hope she meets more nice people than just me, she uses Arch so she’ll have lots to talk about with them.
ooh nice! never touched Arch, just linux mint, hence the name. also yeah being in a space where you can actually be yourself is so fucking awesome.
Also I think you’re wrong, its just your, since you wouldn’t say “you are body”. So false positive there :3
The last sentence: you’re a girl
oooh lol. no you’re right. im silly
Girl, if I’d known you I’d have supported you since the day your egg cracked, no matter what you looked like. You’ve come a long way since then with all the girlmoding and hormonal changes. And I’m not nearly as experienced with Linux as it may seem, I just don’t talk about my Windows usage on Lemmy because it’s shameful how long I’ve been putting up with an OS that I feel works against me (when it does) with excuses like “disk too small” (I’m just messy with my data). So yeah, you’ll be the one disappointed here 😄
so. people always see us differently than we see ourselves. the nice part of that is they dont see us nearly as negatively as we see ourselves. i look at you and i see a cute feminine trans girl doing her absolute best. it makes me sad youre not into women lol. you might not feel like youve achieved everything you want to in your transition, which is totally cool youre still early, but you also see every little thing about yourself you dont like and those things are blown up in your head. they arent in anyone elses, and most people arent going to see even 10% of the stuff you see. me saying this isnt really going to change how you feel about yourself, but its good to remind yourself sometimes, especially if you start spiraling.
and seriously your shoulders arent that wide and your hips arent that narrow. youre a hottie girl, and its only going to get better. at least you never did the attempts at becoming jacked as an egg like some of us did .
