Okay…this post is gonna look insane, but bear with me…this is NOT just a meaningless set of nudes, I swear 😭

So…basically, this Sunday, I’m planning to meet up with @ChaoticNeutralCzech@feddit.org this Sunday and attend a Linux “conference” together. Should be fun, I like Linux a lot! But anyway…
This will be our first time meeting in person. And I just have a bad feeling…he has some version of me in his head right now, from my various posts and pics and…cough other content cough. Aand basically…that version is great! Perfect smile, feminine energy (I guess?), optimistic, kinda pretty and kind…
Well, it feels like like I’m lying to him. Not as much about the personality stuff (except for the “feminine energy”, which I have exactly None of), but really the appearance side of things. Every single picture he (and everyone on Lemmy, really) has seen of me so far, it’s been made deliberately. It doesn’t represent my day-to-day appearance. It’s not how I look in real life. Not edited, but deliberately created with poses, multiple takes and cherry-picking the best ones.
I just feel…really bad. He’s expecting (I think) someone that’s small-ish, cute-ish, feminine, just…average level of attractiveness (I guess) and I just fit none of those…I feel like a fraud. An impostor. I feel like a catfish. I feel fucking terrible, because I know for a fact he’s gonna be disappointed as soon as he sees me.
I’m really ashamed of myself. So much so, that I’ve considered bailing…

But I won’t bail. At least, not yet…what I can do is prepare him a bit. Show him more realistic pics, to get him to taper his expectations a lot. Because truth be told…I’ll probably be the ugliest person he’s ever seen. Not even remotely joking, I’m serious. I can see the happiness fading from his eyes as soon as he sets them upon me, in my mind. It’s just…scary. Knowing I’m so unattractive, ugly and masculine, yet I have enough “skill” to take alright pics and post those on Lemmy. It feels…terrible.

So, that’s why I’m making this. I want to show him (and all the other people) that there is nothing to envy about me. Not a single thing about my body is enviable or desirable. Please don’t…everyone here is so freaking pretty and I just ruin the vibe with my ugly…everything. I’m sorry…

Shoulders

I’d like to start with my shoulders. They’re insanely broad and you know that. My body shape is the inverted triangle, the “male beauty ideal” (eww, fuck that).
This is a picture of me, standing up, from behind:

As you can see, my shoulders are waaaay broader than my pelvis ever could be. It’s insane how massive they are. That’s probably the first thing that catches people’s attention when they’re interacting with me. It’s absurd…
My hair makes the somewhat less obvious, tops work too, but…it’s futile. There’s nothing I can do to hide them completely. HRT won’t help, surgery is risky and expensive, I’m just plain screwed…

Now, there are pictures where I seem like I don’t have as massive shoulders, even standing up. And that’s because it’s an illusion. You see, when I stand up, push my shoulders back and down and arch my back really hard, it makes them seem smaller and my hips wider, due to the angle. Like so:

Seems different, right? A bit better, even. My shoulders don’t seem as massive. That’s the illusion. That’s why the pics look even remotely…well, not feminine but not as masculine…it’s all a lie.
This is the same, but without the underwear:

Nude

Hips and butt

Okay, this is probably the more interesting part…
I’ve made a couple of photos where it looks like I have really wide hips. I don’t. The reason it looks that way is because I’m usually sitting down. The hard surface pushes the fat up and makes everything shapelier and “more feminine”.
In the previous pictures, you could see that my entire lower body was angular and male-looking and that’s because I was standing. But here, I’m sitting and you can really see the difference:

You can see that there’s quite a difference. And that’s just sitting on the edge of something, when I actually sit on my feet, for example, the effect gets even stronger:

And here you can, once again, see the inverted triangle that is my body:

You see how masculine my body is? Everything that appears feminine on me is a trick of either posing, hiding parts of myself or angling the camera properly.
Speaking of angling, there are also pics where my hips look wide where I’m not sitting. In that case, it’s caused by the fact that my butt is closer to the camera than my shoulders, making it look bigger and my shoulders smaller. It makes a big difference. Here’s one example:

You see how my ass is closer to the camera? That’s all it is. Otherwise, it’s just a normal, masculine ass, unfortunately. And I can do the same with my hips.
Changing my own angle to the camera slightly, arching (of course) and moving a bit closer, I can make it seem like I have really wide hips. Like so:

Do you see how much of a difference that makes? Well, it’s all a lie. And I felt like not disclosing that is lying on my part.

Basically…I’m a liar. Every “desirable” photo I ever posted was a lie. Just an illusion. And now that I’m actually meeting up with someone irl, I feel really guilty about all of this. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for lying…
Please don’t envy me. Please don’t. There really is nothing to envy and it makes me feel bad: it makes me feel like I’m flexing something I don’t have and making people jealous with a lie…sorry.

This post must honestly look pretty psychotic to the outside. And maybe it kinda is. But…I hope this helps ChaoticNeutralCzech taper his expectations of me. He’s still gonna be disappointed af, but I just hope…maybe *not as much…*maybe.

Sorry for the essay. If this doesn’t belong here, please delete it. I’m just really fucking anxious about the upcoming meetup…sorry everyone.
I have such a horribly ugly and masculine body. I hate it so much. I hate myself for letting this happen to me so much…I don’t deserve anyone’s praise or even being called girl or anything like that. I’m really sorry…I’m gonna go cry now