A gun that shoots tiny missiles that aim at the attackers butthole and once they hit they release a jet of freezing water up their butt.
The first time I ever tried a bidet was right after I installed my own. It was one of those bidets that attaches under the toilet seat. It took me a little while to actually attach it, because my toilet had a really weird connection point and was in the world’s smallest bathroom. But after some struggling (and a lot of swearing) I managed to get it done.
I plopped down on that thing like it was a porcelain throne, and I was its rightful king. I had been holding it for a while, (due to the aforementioned struggling to attach the bidet to the damned toilet), so the groundhog was already peeking out to look for his shadow by the time I got it attached.
After doing my business, I confidently grabbed the dial, and cranked that motherfucker up to 11. Up to that point, I believed I was a king… But I sat on a throne of sins. I believed I would simply be greeted with a cool shower. Like Icarus with his wax wings, I was full of hubris. I had flown too close to the sun, and was hurtling towards Poseidon’s icy depths. You’ve heard of Poseidon’s Kiss, where that little droplet of water splashes up and touches your butthole after you pinch one off? Poseidon got all the way to fifth base, in about a quarter of a second… And he didn’t use lube. It instantly blew water so far up my ass I could have brushed my teeth.
But that’s not all. In my shock, my hand slipped off of the control knob. By the time I managed to find it and turn it back off, I had received what felt like a peppermint colonic. And you know what’s even worse than getting your guts rearranged by an icy fire hose? Feeling it come back out afterwards, and it still being cold. My dear reader, I implore you to take a lesson from my mistake… After installing a bidet, check the water pressure before you use it. It turns out, mine had enough pressure to spray all the way out of the bathroom door, and hit the wall on the opposite side of the bedroom. I had dialed that bitch all the way up to 11, when I only needed like a 2.5…
All of this to say… I can sympathize.
Sounds like a great way to prepare for anal
Thank you for your wise words, stranger. This cautionary tale will live on in my memory
Wait, why would you want to make your attackers horny?
Ummm, adding an optional pepper spray missile if the first one was not effective…
maybe like a rapid mandatory communication field that makes talking it out feasible in all instances
Laser eyes.
Now you can just look at something you want to destroy without using your arms.
Telekinesis helmets.
Now you can just think about destroying something you can’t even see.
Personal forcefield with a shape of my choosing, activate either by s simple device or algorithmically based on external factors. Great for safety but also handy as an umbrella.
Anti-tankie mines
Yo-yos.
I’ve read somewhere and I’m not sure if it’s true that there is a device that can be inserted inside the vagina which will essentially bite the rapist’s penis and the only way to remove it without destroying the penis is via surgery.
I believe it’s called Rapex.
Some sort of impenetrable energy barrier or whatever that would absorb/reflect whatever fast kinetic blow/projectile would be ideal, IMO. I’d rather have the absorb version so I could just berate them for being violent instead of just getting killed by a bouncing bullet, lol.
An orbital cannon for 1 lb kinetic impactors. You’d probably want them to be in low earth orbit so they can strike quickly. This would of course require a constellation of satellite cannon systems, probably 2000 or so would be sufficient. Also, you’d want to be standing back from your target, probably 20 feet would be safe. Probably.
Also, they’ll have mixed results indoors, either putting holes through every floor above you or not quite reaching the target if you were at the base of a skyscraper. Probably not awesome for the skyscraper either…
Maybe someday everyone could have one of these for personal defense.
Omnidirectional body mounted claymore mine.
Just watch your hands.
A halberd, comparatively easy to use, long range and quite versatile.
Bag of little isopod shaped robots. They are fast moving with nuclear batteries and tungsten carbide shells and lots of sharp edges for chewing and burrowing through flesh. They can also dig into the ground a few inches and hibernate like cicadas to protect an area. Not wireless networked but instead have onboard processing for voice commands, use sense of smell for IFF and echolocation to coordinate their swarming.
Couldn’t stop a gun, but they are a deterrent against using it because if you shoot me we both die but you die in a more horrible way.
Self defense is a fantasy of control. If you want to eliminate threats to yourself rationally, eat more vegetables, take care of your mental health, and drive carefully.
Ah yes the infallible recipe to never be physically assaulted
the statistical recipe to lengthen your lifespan
Now that’s more accurate
I was more or less trying not to refer to weapons of mass destruction. Not implying self defense is virtuous.
If anything were possible, I have always liked AE van Vogt’s fictional weaponry:
In “The Weapon Shops of Isher”, the defensive weapons sold by the shops are advanced ray guns with integrated force fields, making them highly effective against government and criminal threats. These weapons ensure citizens can defend themselves against tyranny and oppression while upholding a policy of non-aggression, aiming to foster a more just government over time.
The weapons can somehow be used to defend but not be used in an act of aggression. And the force field protects the bearer.
A fun read if you are into golden age science fiction.
Spontaneous Human Explosion guaranteeing Mutually Assured Self-Defence/Destruction.
Like 2 Kings in a Chess game, you can’t be next to each other.
Opposite of the movie Wedlock
