There’s a lot going on in your OP, so I can’t address all of it, but to echo the other replies, I can see that you feel unsatisfied with there you are right now, and that therapy is going to be the best place to work through it long term.
People are creatures of habit, reacting to stimuli. You might see others reacting to their hobbies with more contentment, or feeling more love toward their family, and wish you had those same reactions. You can’t control what signals your body gives you, but you can control how you react to them. If you’ve decided that behaving in a certain way is important to you, act it out, even if it feels unnatural. Over time, that behavior can become a habit, and the feelings will become more genuine.












I think all that would get you is a one finger raise.