I’m right there with you on the voice training. It’s so hard and it feels so vulnerable doing it. Difficult not to be your own worst critic.

It’s so so difficult to deal with the relationship and the identity crisis while your living situation isn’t secure and safe. Being in a home that feels stable and safe should be a basic right for everyone. It’s okay to lean on your friends for help in a time like this and I’m glad you have them.

Wishing you the best on your journey too <3

<3 <3 <3

I’m so happy for you!

Thank you for the kind words <3. I’m going to be okay. I reached out for therapy a couple of weeks ago and I now have a cool and wise older trans lady for a therapist that I can talk to about all of this. I really appreciate your words still.

Congrats on getting back up there!

I had a great day and a terrible day. Great day was going out to queer campy cabaret, in girl mode in public for the first time ever, and I had an absolute blast. I got heartfelt compliments from total strangers, met new friends. All in all a great first time out.

The next day, hungover, no makeup, no wig, felt like I was stuffing “her” back into a box. Miserable. Today feeling drained and flat, full of fear, impatiently waiting to start hormones.

My biggest fear is that for some reason my body will reject the hormones and I’ll be stuck in it because I’m just not trans enough or some shit. I think that probably doesn’t make much sense but it was all I could think about today.

Had a big cry. Talked to my wonderful friend @jamie_veal@feddit.org about it. Feel a bit more level again now.

Disclaimer: I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.

Did it go ok?

I like that the first reaction was phrased as a question, not a statement. It’s kinda sweet. Also a very polite correction and an appropriate response.

Congrats on the surgery!

I experience that same feeling. Before I cracked, i thought this was just sortof sexual or physical attraction but now I realise that a huge amount of the of the way I felt looking at women was some kind of envy of their aesthetic and nothing to do with sexuality or attraction (don’t get me wrong, still very much attracted to women, i just never realised that there were two seperate feelings happening and that it’s perfectly possible to feel one without the other).

I don’t know if these match your experience but things I’ve been trying to focus on:

1. Remembering that basically every straight, cis woman in my life has expressed to me that they feel that same way about other women (comparing, envy, self-doubt etc). It’s just a really common experience. Most women feel it. I’m certain men feel it too, but it’s harder for them to talk about maybe? I never felt envy for another man’s appearance (surprise surprise) but I don’t doubt that they do feel it.

2. The level of self-hatred I experienced when I looked down at my unaltered testosterone body is so much worse than any feelings of inadequacy i have when i compare myself with other women. As other commenters have mentioned, I’ve been trying to only compare myself with my past self. The bar for that is so low that I win every time :).

3. Realising that whatever I want to look like, however far away i might feel from that, I can actually make small changes all over the place (tattoos, piercings, makeup, jewellery, clothing, hair styling, hair removal, etc.) that make me like my appearance more than I did before. It might never be exactly what I want, but I think I’d internalised this silly idea that I should just have to play the cards I was dealt and try to accept everything as it was. The small wins are great and worth it.

Get it girl!

I was about to mention Welcome to St Hell when i saw it in your comment.

Jamie you cutie! I feel the same way about this place.

<3

Finding IRL friends and community is really great and it will help you figure yourself out. I don’t know what you have available near you but you might find queer and queer-friendly events nearby. They might have associated groups, meetups, socials etc. If you can find a friend or two to be open with about your journey it’ll make the whole thing much more fun. Wishing you all the best.

There are a ton of little ways you can explore this feeling while you wait for the next steps. You don’t have to tell anyone that you don’t feel safe to tell. You’ve done a really scary thing already, which is to listen to these feelings and let them in.

For me, the little things were stuff like painting my nails, buying and wearing the cute bracelets or rings I always thought were too femme coded for me. Even just imagining how I would feel if my friends saw me as a woman and used “she/her” with me. None of this stuff has to out you to anyone. If you’re scared to do them in public you don’t have to. You’re in control.

When I tried them, these things made me feel good in a way I’d never ever felt before and I’ve just been following that feeling every since really.

That might lead you towards transitioning, it might not, both things are okay. You have time. Nobody can tell you who you are except you.

Rooting for you babes, good luck.

Omg I’m so excited to start HRT.

Congratulations Hazel. Thanks for sharing this.