Now, realistically, we’re probably not gonna last forever. We’re 18 and 19 years old. But whenever marriage is brought up somehow, even when it’s around non-homophobic people or queer people themselves, she always says “he”, “my future husband”, “If I get married, I hope it’ll be to a man/guy who does ____.”
My girlfriend is bisexual and with the fact that we likely won’t last to get married, I understand this, but I feel confused and also a little sad for some reason because I’m not a man. IDK why I feel like this, I know it’s irrational and that she loves me, not a guy, so why do I feel this way?
Literally just talk to her about how you feel.
It might be that she just wants someone in the masculine role, and you fulfill that. You have [any] in your name, so presumably you are happy with masculine pronouns.
Or maybe she does literally want a man, and does not expect your relationship to last.
The pain you are feeling is coming less from any actual rejection, and more from the uncertainty of where you stand in the relationship. Resolve the uncertainty, and most of your problems solve themselves. It goes one of three ways:
- She says she does consider you a potential life partner, and they way she was phrasing it was just out of habit. She apologizes for hurting your feelings and updates her phrasing.
- She says her phrasing is intentional, and she doesn’t consider you a potential life partner. You accept this information and decide that you are enjoying the relationship for now, and continue with it with the new knowledge that it will likely end someday. You keep a lookout for other potential partners who are interested in something long term.
- She says her phrasing is intentional, and she doesn’t consider you a potential life partner. You accept this, and decide that a half-commited relationship isn’t what you want, so you break up.
Importantly, DO NOT take the forth option: She says her phrasing is intentional, and she doesn’t consider you a potential life partner. You don’t like this, but stick around anyway with the intention of convincing her that you are a good life partner for her. This is neediness, and it will end poorly. If she has self respect, she might break up with you as your neediness becomes more apparent. Or she might stick with you until someone she likes with a dick comes along. If she lacks self respect, she might stick with you for a while, and maybe you’ll even get married and spend your lives together. But this is a recipie for bitterness - you will always know that you are not really what she really wanted, and that she settled for you because she didn’t have the courage or initiative to get what she did want. And more importantly, you will have to live with the fact that you settled for her, instead of having the courage and initiative to chase what you really want - someone who wants you for who you are.
There is a way to thread the needle - but it requires option (2). You stay with her, but importantly, must completely accept that it is not a long term relationship, and you should be looking for other, better options. Then, maybe you end up together for the rest of your lives because maybe she comes around. But if you find yourself thinking of your future together, or wondering when she will come around, then you are in option (4), and should break off the relationship.
She’s basically signalling openly, that you are just a phase and not a permanent option. That is a rejection, and rejection hurts.
She broke your heart by not even considering another woman as long term option and basically telling you she will break up with you eventually.
That is asuming she isn’t just saying it this way out of habit. So maybe talk to her about your feelings.
Do take everything I said with a grain of salt since I am a straight guy.
18-19yo should not be thinking about marrying you are too young. maybe at 22 when you are done with college, thats a big if.
sounds like compulsory heteronormativity. but it’s still disrespectful to you. she should be single or at least be upfront about only dating casually til she figures herself out.
Relationships aren’t about being realistic on the future, they are about caring for each other, having fun. I think she’s not caring enough about you when she says these things and expects you to stay
Don’t sweat it homie. You’re 18/19…if you’re thinking about marrying someone at this age… You’re fucking up.
SO told me similar when we were teens. 20+ years later still together. This is a Massively bumpy road would not recommend if better options. Yes I wake up next my bff but it really sucked and our relationship took forever to progress. My SO did not want to commit to me for years so Some parts of our relationship feel like it Took 15 years to get to were I feel other couples got to in 2. Its like maximizing the friendship meter but the love meter is capped and you dont know why and there is no guide or mod. This lead to lots of resentment from me because my life became paused waiting for my partner to commit so i can go to my next phase in life. I still feel angry and probably wont ever let go.
Have you told her this?
