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I went to a party I didn’t want to go to about 25 years ago. I met this shy nerdy girl there with the most cutting sense of humour I’ve ever encountered to this day. We’re married now.
I’m really sorry, and I know it’s really tough. But if you want to meet people, you have to be in a place people are. But you can do it in small doses, stay long enough for one meaningful interaction, exchange numbers (or email addresses or signal usernames or whatever), and bail. It worked for me. I hope it works for you too.
You need to put yourself out there, even if it is just shitposting online. Nobody will date you if they don’t perceive you, but outside of that I have no advice.
Unfortunately, I have found that the spicy, neurodivergent, broken girl, transfem aesthetic isn’t exactly appreciated on the outside.
Be somebody that the person you want, wants to be with. Don’t be a piece of shit that nobody wants to be around. Take care of yourself properly. As fun as cute helpless stinky dumb puppy is, most people are struggling enough on their own and don’t have the resources to take care of another person. Some do, but everybody has their limits. Go to therapy. Commit arson. Take a shower. Brush your teeth. Drink more water. And yeah, put yourself out there. You can do it!
you need to be out there with ADHD nerdy girl trans aura then you’ll get somewhere
Gonna have to put yourself out there. Finding love is about being at the right place at the right time, so put yourself in places
person called places:
(sowwyy idk what i’m doing @~@)
Honest question: Are trans lesbians typically into other trans lesbians?
I mean, I’m in pretty deep in the T4T community but in my experience yes, the vast majority are.
for me I’m as much into trans lesbians as I’m into cis lesbians, which is a lot lol. t4t is popular cus trans people have an easy time understanding other trans people, unrelated to sexuality for the most part
Trans lesbians are into women, and trans women are women, so generally yes. There are some trans lesbians who prefer T4T (Trans 4 Trans—a relationship between 2 trans people), and some that prefer cis women, but that’s a very individualistic thing that can’t accurately be generalized. Speaking from my experience as a trans lesbian, I’d say I’m probably somewhat less attracted to recently out trans women (womanhood is a journey that takes time to get through), but probably equally attracted to cis women and trans women who have had long journeys through womanhood (assuming they choose to present as femininely as I like, which is also a factor for cis women, mind you). I’m more into the femme crowd, as I hinted at earlier, but what matters more to me than literally anything else is how well I connect with a girl. That’s going to depend a lot on her personality, interests, etc. And I’m not just into lesbians, I’m into any sapphic identity (any woman who loves other women, like bi and pan women). I don’t find myself attracted to nonbinary folks, and I’m actively repulsed by many men, so really I’m just looking for women. I will say that as far as sexual attraction goes, I’m moderately more into women who have vulvas (including ones that were surgically created, of course) than those who have other parts, but I don’t pick my partners based on my sexual attraction to them. I’ll work with whatever someone has and be plenty happy doing it so long as I am attracted to the person underneath.
Just my personal experience, please don’t try to generalize it. I most often find myself attracted to cis women, but that’s certainly in part due to the fact that sapphic trans woman are much more rare than sapphic cis women (and I do unfortunately often find interest in straight women (which is disappointing), who are in extreme abundance in comparison to either). Womanhood is also a spectrum, and any woman is valid no matter where they land on it, but I find that my hyperfemininity leads me to be most often attracted to highly feminine women, which also plays into it.
Thank you so much for the in depth reply. My adult daughter is trans and I’m trying to learn about this world. I understand I shouldn’t generalize, but I feel I’m unequiped to even have a frame of reference of what not to generalize. I don’t know if my daughter is cis or lesbian; she had one relationship at college that ended with an assault on her. I’m not even sure if the relationship was romantic or platonic before the assault. The minimal info she told me about it she always used non gendered terms. Of course I don’t want to pry, and I understand that my main function is to be supportive no matter what, but I just would like to know if there are baseline assumptions that I’m supposed to have.
Well, for one, if she’s trans, she is by definition not cis. Did you mean straight? Because cis (short for cisgender) means that someone’s gender identity aligns with their sex at birth, whereas trans means it does not align; they’re opposites.
I’m assuming you meant straight, so I’ll just say that sexuality is a very complicated thing and it can take a very long time for someone to really discover their interests. Some people even choose not to define it because they’re unsure. But the best advice I can give you is that it’s her choice to come out to you when she feels comfortable and/or understands her sexuality. I also want to clarify that there is a whole plethora of sexualities out there beyond strictly straight or gay. Far more people are bisexual than strictly gay/lesbian, for instance. I really just wouldn’t make any assumptions even if you did know the gender of who she was with (because again, bi people exist).
Also understand that while sexuality itself doesn’t change, one’s perception of their sexuality might. For instance, I had a short time where I thought I was bisexual, and identified myself as such, but I’m absolutely, 100% a lesbian. During that moment though, my perception of my own sexuality was that I was bisexual, so just keep in mind that even if she did reveal her sexuality, finding yourself and understanding your sexuality can be very complicated, so things may change.
It’s really safest not to make assumptions. I also urge you to consider why you want to know so badly. As a gay woman, I am a huge supporter of the phrase “love is love”. The gender of the people she loves should realistically be inconsequential to how you should treat her for loving them. After all, you’ve pointed out that you want to be supportive, so I want to perhaps introduce you to the idea that she should be supported the exact same way no matter her sexuality. For all we know, she could be asexual/aromatic, and that’s just as valid. Just food for thought!
Thanks so much. I have a lot to learn. And I don’t ‘want to know so badly’. I just want to know what I’m supposed to know. She’s never communicated a huge amount about anything - often just a few words and then I’m expected to understand and I’m worried I’ll miss something not knowing the trans world. I’m terrified that if I ask her questions it will come across as challenging or unsupportive. She suffers from anxiety and low confidence already. But she doesn’t really have any real life friends, so I know I have to be there however I can.
I just want to know what i’m supposed to know
Honestly, that’s a great question to ask her. She will share what she knows and feels comfortable sharing.
Another great option would be seeing if there is a queer bookstore near you. If there is, I would ask the people there about some books you can read, there are plenty aimed at parents of queer people who need a primer on the terminology.
Honestly, so many of us have parents that don’t accept us, so being willing to learn is already great. Maybe also keep an eye out for how you can help and support any friends she brings home, or try to get involved in your local queer community. I find that a lot of queer people don’t have many accepting parental figures in their life and just inviting some local queer kids over for dinner every now and again could really change lives. (And as a plus, being around queer people will teach you the lingo over time.)
My experience is it can go either way. I’ve met trans lesbians who have primarily dated CIS women, and I’ve met trans lesbians who have primarily dated other trans women. I’ve heard there are stereotypes, but fuck if I’ve seen one yet.
It’s a bit of a stereotype, but not as common as you might think. Those types of relationships have advantages similar to people who date someone similar to them, whether that is race, religion, culture, etc.
You’ll probably have more in common to start out, and you don’t need to explain being trans to your partner.
Ummm both to a degree! You should shine as you and the right people will gravitate to you 🩷 I meant my gf through Discord connecting over a game we both played… Which is still unbelievable to me since I’m incredibly shy (and audhd) and rarely try to connect with new people. For well over a decade I didn’t make any new friends outside of one or two through another friend. Since transitioning, I’ve made a handful of new friends! Just be you, be patient, and share your light with others 🌟
